Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
#FunnyLife Insects
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there