Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
never compromise your values
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators