Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I only treason on days ending in y
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day