@panmidwest: [first date] HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose? ME: definitely my ability to see dead people. HER:

@IamJackBoot: Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

@AtticusFinch79: Robber: This is a stick up Me: *clears throat* I'll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it's true, it was mean

@abbycohenwl: "It's a banana in my pocket" "May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?" *averts eyes* "I'm glad to see you"

@imence2: This guys talking about "Calm down, everything happens for a reason". Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.