@PaperWash: goals for 2016: 1) spend more time with my son 2) learn about his fav video games 3) defeat him 4) become video game household champion

@MsFoxIfUrNasty: [at gym] *spends 45 minutes untangling headphones *drops phone, squats to pick it up Phew! Good workout! *leaves

@TequilaTears: My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

@causticbob: "Wanna hear a joke?" "Alright then." "What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?" "I don't know," "You're disgusting."

@adamlucidi: You're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That's on you.