@MonSwanson: I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.

@PoliUncorrect: * Pogoing Outside Your Window ~ Are... You... Sure... You... Don't... Want.... A... Second... Date?

@Reverend_Scott: [at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@Chumpstring: FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me? ME: no FRIEND: they'd stop making fun of my ponytail ME: they'd pretty much have to

@KentWGraham: Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?