@mrjohndarby: Me: My son's goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
@TweetingDadGuy: Please women who wear 1 inch heels.
What's the point? You look ridiculous.
What difference does 1 inch really make?
Don't answer that.
@mollymcnearney: Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
@JermHimselfish: Dance like nobody's watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn't text you too much. Sing like you didn't struggle with algebra in 9th grade.
@pleatedjeans: [junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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