@Losephine: If you're reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS: 1) Feed a cold. 2) Starve a fever. 3) Make fever watch cold eat. 4) Tell cold he’s a good boy. 5) Look at fever with disdain.

@purch_s: "Ladies, please report immediately to my pants." - Me, pretending I'm wearing pants.

@WittySassBasket: Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

@withanewname: Grim Reaper: I'm here for the sole! Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I... can I say bye to my family? Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.