[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
You Might Also Like
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.