[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
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My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.