Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
23. the denim jacket
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.