2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Why am I like this?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about