The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.