I think this cat is broken
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys