Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
mood
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
my proudest tweet
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog