[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
😂🤣😂🤣
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”