Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?