Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
i spent way too long on this
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What about second breakfast?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.