@brendohare: Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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@joeljeffrey: Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
@ddsmidt: I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
@bmarked21: Don't expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that's when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
@CantWaitToNap: An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.