Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
You Might Also Like
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.