Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My life in a nutshell
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Straight people are cancelled