Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace