Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire