Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
✌🏽
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza