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@NvCornflakeGirl: Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don't want you.
@kumailn: Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."
@markydoodoo: If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
@garrettbarry70: My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.
@SteveSuckington: [comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
@tastefactory: [at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*