Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Botany good plants lately?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”