Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty