@tigersgoroooar: Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You're welcome, girls.
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@JustinGuarini: Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with "I love you?" Oh yeah me neither.
@MelKassel: HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps
@WheelTod: Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don't wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then