Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.