Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?