Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I think my mom just blocked me
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.