I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad