Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No