When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.