It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
You Might Also Like
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.