A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
You Might Also Like
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’m giving up for Lent.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”