Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: