Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye