[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
A friend sent me this.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I drew y’all a little something.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Goodnight 🐶
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Scream sneezers need love too.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.