boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.