boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Sooo many times…..
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
never deleting this app.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.