Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.