Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.