Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!