Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me trying to look natural in photos
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Chemical wingman
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.