*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Good morning y’all ☀️
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
You better watch out
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..