*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.