*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close