TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤