Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Well, that didn’t work.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”