Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert