What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
You Might Also Like
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.