Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“i miss shittin on people”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
at ease…shoulder.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn