[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
He’s cranky this morning
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.