[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.