Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
only 11 steps left
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?